jinxed

ugh. so far the first day of my 20 day challenge is already foiled. just as i was about to take off for class before, gl called.

he asked me if i can manage to get to sf sooner. hearing his voice and his plead just completely melted me. what started out as a funky and almost sad day had a complete 180 and i was sitting there feeling giddy and happy. we talked a bit about our plans for the summer, he asked if i would stay into may. we talked about me going to sf again in may or june. then he asked me to accompany him to his ex wife’s wedding in upstate in july. everything we talked about sounded so dreamy and heavenyly. i sat there feeling so happy and reveling in this dreamy, lovely state hearing his voice, hearing him move about in his apartment, getting ready for work, making breakfast, asking me what i like to eat for breakfast. my heart soared to great heights.

so nope,  never made it to the 1pm bikram. will not be able to make it to any of the classes later since i have appointments all day…but my heart sings and i’m glad i didn’t miss his call.

20-day challenge

this morning i was in the dmv all morning from 10-2. finally got my non driver’s id. yes! that’s right! i am a non driver. from new york city where the subway runs 24/7. never made it to bikram. had to push back a conference call w/a potential funder. got home around 2:30, wolfed down a bowl of curry over rice. worked for 2 seconds. the rest of the day felt out of whack. couldn’t get myself back on track or get motivated. sucks the first day of this week started all funky!

now, i’m sitting here drowning in my little puddle of water thinking about gl spending the day with his gf, having a romantic dinner w/her for her bday. she turns what?! 25?! ugh. wondering what they are doing. driving myself crazy.

tomorrow my monthly bikram is up again and last month i went maybe 15 times? not nearly enough! so! before i leave for my new cycle/chapter, and potentially not being able to do bikram for a while, i will commit to doing bikram everyday for the next 20 days straight. i will do my own 20-day challenge.

additionally, i will be focused on cr. there’s so much i have to do before i leave ny since as soon as i get to sf, i feel i’ll be distracted by gl and the conference for the first 2 months, at least. so i have to have to have to focus on getting a lot of things set up before i leave ny. there’s no time to waste!

20-day challenge! let’s do this!

new cycle

in three weeks will begin a new cycle/new page. i’ll be in sf. the conference, research, interviews await. and then, off to asia for two. my journey has only just begun. everything i’ve been doing up til now is in preparation of this. yet this is still a part of the process. it will not be the end all be all. so many chapters yet to write, so many stories yet to tell. so much i don’t know still. i await with anticipation, excitement. i am trying to not get anxious and stumped by all the wrinkles along the way. visas, passports, pills, sublet, all the little things that have to be wrinkled out before i take off. just par for the course. don’t react. don’t react. don’t react.

and as if i don’t have enough on my plate to distract, entertain, engage me, gl and have gotten even closer, despite the distance and time we’ve have gotten more intimate. the only way we can get to know each other deeper, better during the time apart and until we meet again is through phone calls. and the yearning and longing to see each other drives our conversations into deeper territory and gives us a sense of space/freedom to be completely honest with each other. we have the most amazing conversations. it inspires me to want to learn more about him, to know more about him, to be honest with him. and i think our conversations have the same affect on him. i miss him. can’t wait to see him. i can’t wait to make discoveries with him. to explore things, places, films, books with. to talk endlessly and about anything. i am still trying to be very practical and realistic about this whole situation. i check myself constantly and wonder if i’m getting delusional. although i don’t think i am, it is very easy to be enveloped by his charm, charisma, magnetic personality, sensuality, honesty and tenderness towards me. when i think of him my heart soars, my lower back tingles, i smile and am happy. i feel charmed by him…and yes, i’m hedging my bets.

not a binary concept

it really isn’t black or white, yes or no, feel or don’t feel, easy or difficult, is it?

as my involvement with gl progresses (the operative words here being involvement and progress), i question my own motivations and intentions and whether any of this is really what i want or am i getting delusional, something i keep trying not to be.

he told me he looks forward to having me in sf and spending time with me and seeing how we will evolve. he thinks about sharing and doing things with me. he thinks about us. he also professed to me that his desire and draw to me is because of lacking in his current relationships. i expressed that i don’t want to be someone who’s just there to fill a void. but what else do i want? do i want to be a priority. do want us to supersede his other relationships?

there’s no doubt i enjoy his company immensely. and in my head, there’s an expiration date for all of this. but as much as i want to be that clinical and deliberate, i know i spend hours thinking about him. i know i am excited to see him. these contradictory feelings and emotions make me weary. and i know i just can’t and don’t know how to negotiate this one. i don’t…

of course in the midst of all this i am trying to produce a film and a conference. brilliant.

human vs. robot

sure it is better to be a human than an unfeeling robot. but when i allow mushy, emotional emotions to creep in, i feel like these feelings flood my pours, my veins, my entire being and overwhelms me with this weird sensation that i am not too sure yet how to deal with. my inclination is to keep them at bay, to stop myself from thinking or feeling them. but is it so bad to just let the feelings flood me? what happened to not negotiating? ugh. i feel a bit of stick in the mud today.

tomorrow must go to yoga! must! missed 2 days. no bueno! i need some ME, some BIKRAM time.

and here are my wings~!

speaking of taking flight!

bananarama

in addition to doing laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, i baked a banana bread from scratch!

so yummy! and so proud of myself! for someone who does not bake often and when i do, it’s always instant mixes that come in a box, this came out just right! hmmmm. such a sense of accomplishment! i should bake more!

taking flight

in light of everything that is going on in the world: haiti earthquake, the continuing recession, china’s tightening choke hold on censorship, rise of terrorist attacks, and the endless wars around the world, i certainly, certainly feel extremely lucky and blessed that i’m able to do what i do for a living. that i get to work with people i love. that i get to work on projects i’m passionate about. yes, i’ve said this before. but this feeling should remain as long as we are alive and living in one of the most luxurious and advance countries in the world. and as long as i have a roof over my head, work, food and those who will love and protect me.

so in light of various devastation in the world, this moment i feel even more blessed and lucky that i am charged with the enormous responsibility to tell a compelling story that will add to the understanding of humanity. this film has received amazing amount of support, praise and encourage so far, at this infancy stage. rm and i are heartened by the network of goodwill that have been bestowed upon us. we have been asked to go to china in april to begin the on-the-ground research. this exploratory trip will further solidify our subjects and shed more light on how we should frame the story. this is an amazing opportunity that i thought would not come until much later. however, our funders have the foresight in knowing that this kind of fact finding mission must take place now in order for the foundation of this film to be properly built. we are thankful for this opportunity. we are excited with this trip. planning has been a bit like looking for a switch in the dark. but with each careful and deliberate step, we know we will find the light.

i feel a sense of pride, encouragement and strength because i know and want to do the best job. now is definitely not the time to sit on my laurels. i have so much work ahead of me and i am so poised to do a great job!

here we go!

you cannot (blank) that which you are not aware of

had another amazingly rewarding bikram class this morning. haven’t been back to class since mid december. so yesterday was my first day back after the holiday break. was debating on whether i want pay for the $150 for the monthly or just pay for a weekly, or even a 10 day pass. but ultimately, i decided that bikram is my little present to myself, every month. and i deserve it. more than drinking, eating out, going out. bikram really is the best present i can give to myself right now.

started the monthly yesterday with a noon class. i’ve never taken early day or noon classes before. usually i take the 4 or 630 or even the 815 class. the 815 is definitely too late and i try not to take that class. 4 and 630 are the best times. i have gotten to know all the instructors during those time slots. i’ve gotten to know the way they talk/instruct. and most importantly i like them. but with my projects picking up speed, meetings, deadlines, etc., and dealing w/folks on the west coast, i’ve really had to shift my schedule around this week. plus going to an earlier class means i have to get out of bed by 8. which is a great reason to get out of bed for.

yesterday’s class was with rupi. she’s definitely different from corrine, whom i usually have at 4pm on mondays. rupi is very calm, doesn’t really push you as hard as corrine. she’s not about motivational speeches or even about walking around the room to see if you need to adjust your posture. she did tell me to adjust my posture a couple of times. but i think that’s only because i’m front and center so she sees me clearly. overall, it was still a great class. there’s never a bad bikram class, from my experience. never.

today’s class was more about the mind, body and soul. today i had claudia for the 10am class. i’ve had claudia before but in the pm. her energy in the am is slightly different than the pm. but she is just as great. this was the first time i’ve ever been at a 10am class. it was a bit hard to get my brain caught up w/my body. my body was up but i was still half asleep when i got to class. lying on the floor, i really wanted to just fall asleep. but finally claudia came in and the class began.

what is consistent remains consistent. the postures, breathing, listening to the instructions, staying in the moment, not be distracted by random thoughts, engage muscles, etc. but what i love about claudia is that in addition to telling you what to do, she explains why you’re doing them. other people may be zoning out as she does this, but i really appreciate the explanations of how, when my body is contorted or bent in a certain way, the posture will strengthen my reproductive organs, or help prevent arthritis, or improve my immune system.

claudia also shares these pearls of wisdom that may be specific to bikram but so applicable to life. and that’s what i love about bikram!!!! yes, i said so many things about my love for bikram. but really, what is not to love?

so today as we were lying there for our final savasana, she said “let everything go, just relax. you cannot relax that which you are not aware of.” and i had another eureka moment! she wanted us to be aware of our body parts as we were relaxing each muscle, each cell, each joint, each pore, each section. and she wanted us to stay present, in the room, in the moment, and not end up zoning out. stay aware.

when we feel stuck in life, we often feel like we’re spinning on a hamster wheel. why is it that no matter how hard or fast i run, i’m still in the same place? after a while, it becomes habitual to just run hard and fast, without being aware that we can actually step off the wheel. whitout realizing that we have the choice to step off the wheel. we’ve become a society that is so habitual that we are no longer engaged, with ourselves or with each other. our interactions, our actions, our reactions, our thought. we’re mostly unaware and we just do. and in correlation to that, what we’re not aware of we cannot fix/adjust. so if we’re stuck and we’re not even aware enough to realize that, then we’ll remain stuck.

i want to be more aware, more prudent, more conscious with each step i take in life. i don’t want to feel stuck, get stuck anymore.

move forward!

我的心情很好，謝謝！

this morning as i stood in my sun drenched kitchen preparing my daily cup of joe, i accidentally spilled sugar all over the counter and the floor. at first i was a bit annoyed…but as i was vacuuming up the mess, i noticed how in the past this small annoyance would have sent me into a place of anger. something this small would have changed and effected my mood for the rest of the morning, if not the day. but this morning, and many mornings before this, for the last few weeks now now, and many days since i don’t know when, i have been feeling really good. i have been feeling happy, hopeful, thankful, charged, blessed, and just really content with where my life is going. i haven’t felt this way in so long. and everything that’s happening around me, to me, has just  been simply glorious.

i feel good. i feel like i’m in a good place in my life. from time to time, i do feel lonely and wish i had a partner. but overall, i am really content with my life. i love what i do. i love my friends. i love my work/career. i have been in a good mood and i really hope it will stay with me for a while. this feeling is great!